Awesome Enemies: Goombas

The plight of the common Goomba is not a simple situation to explain, least of all through the medium of text. This article, I hope, will give them the respect and reverence which they truly deserve.

Bowser's minions are varied and more often than not incredibly efficient killing machines: Magikoopas can teleport and blast the plumber with bolts of supernatural energy, Chain-Chomps are almost invincible and are psychologically disturbed enough to require chaining to the floor and Boos transcend even the bonds of mortality to fulfill the Koopa King's mission to keep the princess in his 'care'. It is the common Goomba, however, who is the most tenacious and straight-up ballsy of the whole Koopa Troop.

They're not armed with hammers or boomerangs, they can't spit fire and they have a propensity for falling into infinite pits and blundering aimlessly around in pursuit of their goals. They can't defend themselves competently, have no physical defenses or armour and they almost never succeed in their mission. In spite of this, they continue to work, unquestioningly as the stalwart infantry in the war with the Mushroom Kingdom and (very) occasionally one may distinguish himself from his cohorts by taking the life of a plumber, or hindering the progress of the Toadstool dynasty.

Can any one of us say that we have this commitment? This tenacity? The gigantic nuggets which define the very nature of the Goomba? I think not.

What do we actually know about this noble, armless species? As time goes on more and more details as to the nature of Goomba hierarchy and the sheer variety between individuals of the race. Goombas are not, as we had previously thought, entirely without intellect, nor are they mindless servants of the higher castes of the Koopa Kingdom. They are a proud race with a monarchy of their own, and many age-old traditions, with a heavy emphasis on good old family values.

The leader of the Goombas (although contested due to his subservience to Bowser) is the aptly-named Goomba King or 'Goomboss'. In spite of his grand appearance and stately crown he is merely a delegate of Bowser's authority in the Mushroom Kingdom. Could it be that he is the first of his line to be mentally impaired in some way? His eyes are always unfocussed, and his defenses are feeble- taking a mere three jumps to defeat.

Perhaps this is a hint as to why such a numerous and dedicated race as the Goombas bow to the Koopa King: If their leader was in some way disabled (either mentally or by blindness) then surely the people who follow him would be forced into submission. Considering how fiercely loyal (even to the point of flinging themselves off cliffs) the common Goomba is, I would suggest that this is more than a possibility.

Goombas are originally from the West of the Mushroom Kingdom- their ancestral home Goomba Village being some distance from the capital of Toad town. Here the last few free families of the species exist, without any constraint or contract to Bowser's army. Notable citizens of this town include Goombario, fearless adventurer and sidekick of Mario himself.

Other notable Goombas are the scholar Professor Frankly and his student Goombella, both of whom live in Rogueport, a home to a wide range of species and peoples. These individuals prove without a shadow of a doubt that every Goomba stomped upon by Mario and his brother have been fully sentient members of an oppressive regime whose deaths are as tragic as they are pointless.

So here's to you, Goombas- every man, woman and child of your proud race deserves our salute. Whether your job is simply to waddle forwards, flap with your para-wings or simply impede the pesky plumbers' progress we appreciate that you are here to work. And you do it as best you can, defiant against odds which grant you no favour. One day, when all games are over and there are no more extra lives I hope that we remember you as the staunch guardians you are, rather than the canon fodder we would have you become.

Toby Ellis