Gamer Column

"Because we're busy making coffees, cocktails and trying to pay the bills we dont get much time to play the latest games. Toby is our resident gamer who'll be imparting his knowledge and commenting on the latest gaming news. after his sterling work we've swelled the ranks with a couple of new writers meaning you get more content for you..."

*The views expressed below are those of the comment writer alone. They do not represent the views or opinions of Loading - but we tend to agree with him most of the time...

Farmville: The Movie

Dear Paramount Pictures/20th Century Fox/Whoever is making this abortion,

I would like to propose the following as a script for your upcoming movie epic based around Facebook addiction-based game 'Farmville'.

I propose that Ben Stiller play the lead as he has a truly brilliant range.

Yours,

Toby Ellis

Farmville The Movie/p>

by Toby Ellis

EXT. THE FARM – Day

Farmer Joe (Stiller) is tending to his cattle, their milk resource having just ticked over to harvest-ready status. His wife, Jill (possibly Sharon Stone?) approaches with two glasses of freshly brewed lemonade, drips of icy water forming on the frosty glasses.

JOE:

What a great day we're having here in Farmville!

Joe picks up one of the glasses and smiles lovingly at his wife before taking a sip of the yellow liquid.

JOE:

(contd.)

I can't believe our luck getting this patch of land to fruition in merely a thousand man-hours!

JILL:

I know, hun- and all the gifts we've bothered our friends tirelessly for have really paid off!

JOE:

(interrupting

Ayup, but even so none of this would have been possible without crippling our social lives with constant, uninteresting vigilance. Boy howdy what a life we live.

Joe's watch beeps and he stares at it before dropping his pale, milk splashing onto the dirt.

JOE:

Oh no! I forgot to harvest the corn! It'll wither if we don't do something soon!

EXT. CORNFIELD- DAY

Joe and Jill stand over their rapidly withering crops- they look to one another, panicked.

JOE:

(aghast with worry and fervour)

I knew going to Frank's party was a mistake! Oh, Jill- why did we have to forsake our farming duty to engage in social activities with people who don't even have Farmville?!

Jill grasps Joe by the arm firmly, her face a mass of lines and concern.

JILL:

It's alright, my husband- we'll simply go to the Farmville bank and transfer some of the funds we earned in our real-life office jobs to un-wither these crops! They'll be as good as new in no time!

Joe and Jill walk away from the field, the camera slowly panning to the low-resolution crops, fading to black as a single ear of corn wilts and falls to the dusty floor.

INT. FARMVILLE BANK- DAY

Jill, Joe and Arf- the dog and comic relief of the film- are sitting across from Facebook creator Mark Zuckerburg (played by David Hasselhoff, hopefully). The desk between them is made of rich mahogany and laden with hundred dollar bills wrapped into tight bundles. There is a picture behind him with a picture of Farmville, emblazoned with the words: "Aspergers vacuum 2011″. Zuckerburg arches his fingers and sits back into his lavish chesterfield armchair.

ZUCKERBURG:

So let me get this straight- you have a field full of corn worth approximately $0.00 and you wish to pay me five dollars to reclaim your lost harvest?

JOE:

That's right m'lord.

ZUCKERBURG:

I can't help but notice, Farmer Joe, that you've not purchased any Facebook Currency this month.

Zuckerburg rises from his chair and strides to a massive plate-glass window which overlooks Joe and Jill's farm. He crosses his arms and smirks a dark, capitalist smirk before continuing.

ZUCKERBURG:

(faux emotion- humility)

Have I done something to… offend you, Joe?

JOE:

N-no Mister Zuckerburg! It's just that Jill and I- we've had bills to pay this month and- and-

ZUCKERBURG:

(interrupting, furious)

BILLS?!

Zuckerburg turns back to the desk and slams his fist against the hard wood, glaring into Joe's eyes. Jill shrinks away from the desk and Arf leaps before her frail form, growling emphatically.

ZUCKERBURG:

(cont.)

Did I stop to consider bills in my multi-million dollar Facebook-inspired movie "The Social Network"?

JOE:

(afraid)

I- I don't know, I was too busy playing Farmville to watch the Social N-

ZUCKERBURG:

You haven't seen "The Social Network"?! The greatest film of all time about Facebook?!

He pauses and turns back to the window. An evil smile creeps across his thinning, Jewish features.

ZUCKERBURG:

You have seventy-two hours to vacate your farm. I'm re-purposing the land…

The camera zooms in dramatically, focusing on the CEO's lips.

ZUCKERBURG:

For Mafia Wars.

A ruckus erupts immediately, Joe and Arf yelling and barking almost incoherently before being ushered out by black-suited Facebook security guards.

JOE:

You've not heard the last of us, Zuckerburg!

Zuckerburg turns and laughs an evil laugh: Tears flowing down his face as glee washes over every inch of his body as the heavy oaken doors to his office slam closed behind the humble farming folks.

INT. THE FARMHOUSE- EVENING

Joe, Jill and Arf are sitting around the kitchen table, awash with sadness. Joe cradles his head in his hands while Jill tries to comfort him. Even the dog looks miserable.

JOE:

(choked through tears)

Wh- what are we gonna do, Jill?

Jill rises from her seat, glowering at the room, a triumphant and hopeful gaze creeping across her features.

JILL:

I'll tell you what we're gonna do-

(beat.)

We're gonna SAVE FARMVILLE!

Arf:

ARF ARF!

I hope that you have enjoyed this prospective script, and truly look forward to your selection of me, Toby Ellis, as the writer for this upcoming epic.

Thank you for your time!

Toby Ellis

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