Minecraft: Autistic Lego

Minecraft is a cultural phenomenon. You're on the internet so you know about it by now- and you probably love it, don't you? What's not to love? It's been given universally high ratings by every publication and gaming website and has made millions and millions of pounds (even before the actual release of the game). It allows your imagination to run free by providing you with the tools to create your own world, and even play online with friends!

How noble a prospect- a game which rewards collaboration and bolsters the ego of those who brand themselves as 'creative'.

It could even be said of Minecraft that it has become more of a movement now than a game. Millions of people meet online and share the experience; waging war against the armies of the undead and striving to survive against the elements in a sandbox environment rich in content. Gameplay videos of the game are the most popular videos on YouTube, it's invaded every magazine and forum relevant to the subculture and has spawned both Xbox 360 and iOS spin-offs. It's saturating the world of video games, and can be described many things: Intuitive. Unending. Addictive. Infamous. Communial. Shit.

Uh-oh! Someone criticized Minecraft! Better explain myself before my website gets shut down and legions of angry fans attack me with pick-axes and other iconic trademarks of this java-based abortion. Let me explain:

The game itself is sound enough. I will admit to this- it does exactly what it says on the tin, with no clear objective or limitations. You're plonked into a world and then the creative staff's influence ends: Minecraft is what you make it. If you put nothing in then you get nothing out. Since the release of "Minecraft 1.0″ at MineCon in Las Vegas there's an 'ending' to the game, but really… It's nothing good.

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Now, accusing Mojang of laziness in this respect is pointless. Creating a sandbox and saying 'ok, you do it' is fine practice- there's an implied direction in that there is really only one way to survive, and the procedure to earning more junk to play with is fairly linear. It's what you make with this unlocked junk which defines your experience with the game. The trouble is that all the stuff you can make- the unending infinity of creative options that Minecraft presents to us is utterly, utterly pointless.

Now, we could get all pretentious and philosophical and say that anything that we do, in a game or otherwise is without any common objective or actual point. The trouble is that- unlike Minecraft- other games and indeed our very existence isn't contrived to be without objective. Minecraft seems to be actuallytrying to waste our time. The creativity the game apparently rewards is just autistic-speak for 'obsessive', and 90% of what gets made with this supposed creative tool is just plain without merit.

Now, aside from the graphical, auditory and objective problems that are just plain wrong with Minecraft as a product there are even more pressing issues than the content of the game itself. These are technical issues, issues of community and- most importantly- problems with the game's staff themselves. This isn't going to be a personal attack on anyone specific, libel is far below my purvey- I'm just going to state some objective facts. The inference you gather is your own.

Now, Minecraft has always been a buggy piece of shit. It's been in Alpha (and pre-purchased by millions) for years now, so bugs are to be expected- and their removal from the game is something to be applauded. And expected. Because that's what happens when a game is developed; problems rise and are removed- the removal of problems from a game in Alpha phase is not something praiseworthy, and when the updated build has more problems than the previous version there is something seriously wrong with your methodology.

The game is now out of Alpha- it's been released- and there are still just as many bugs as there ever have been. The AI of 'mobs' is just as poor, the procedural generation (while impressive) is occasionally sloppy and occasionally horrible things happen which are simply overlooked by the fanbase because the game has always been so poorly made that the people enjoying it have become complacent. When Fallout: New Vegas went gold it was full of bugs and the developers were torn to shreds publicly for it- Minecraft is gold and has just as many bugs but has no technical criticisms. Ten out of ten. Game of the year. Most of the features promised by Notch are not included in "Minecraft 1.0″ and a lot of the more recent features are based off the modding community's own alterations to the game.

It is unfinished. Do not claim to be releasing a full game if you're not doing so, you fat racist swede.

Technology aside the game's developers are… Well… There are a variety of words. Markus "Notch" Persson- the original creator of Minecraft is notoriously lazy, and has been to Las Vegas three times since he made his first million dollars. His blog- The Word Of Notch- often mentions long spates of the work day playing games rather than programming, and is full of masturbatory references and awful jokes. This doesn't mean he's a bad programmer, or even a bad game designer. Those facets of his persona are purely coincidental.

He is also heinously ungrateful to people who have helped him reach this almost messianic level among his fans on the internet. The rotund pseudo-deity spoke out recently against members of the Yogscast (a predominantly Minecraft-based entertainment group) who according to him are "total spoiled divas". Now, the interview between him and the pair of young Brits seemed incredibly friendly, and they are plainly guilty of adoring the man (in their videos they refer to him frequently as the 'God of Minecraft'). What could have gone wrong?

They were the first people to criticize Persson's ending of Minecraft: "The End," a piece of prose written by Notch which was supposed to act as the goal of the game. They are also traditionally cheeky, and according to Persson "f-bombed" kids. Dismissing this as unfounded would be naive, but given the subject matter of their videos one would expect that expletives would be expected, if not encouraged by Notch. Couple this with the eradication of the panel for which they attended the convention and the fact that they were in no way compensated for this (still attending and still paying for both airfare and hotels in spite of being invited by Notch and Mojang) and the outcry held against them seems almost unmitigated.

What can be said about Minecraft, really? The game is popular because of what it is: Addictive and without an end. It's made by a barely competent team of nerds who have never had to promote the game due to its cult status and as such do not appreciate anyone who attempts to. It's written in Java, which is ridiculous in itself given the nature of the game, and is full of memory leaks (as well as looking and sounding dreadful, but that is apparently the objective so good job Mojang!). It's also very far from a video game, as the classic definition goes: It's a toy which is played on a massive scale by schoolchildren and obsessive adults who refuse to see the flaws inherent in its design and its creator.

Once one becomes so blinded by fandom- so infatuated with a product that one cannot see the flaws in it- their rationale is questionable. The infamous 'Notch Defense Force', a group of internet crusaders who work to deny any criticism of Minecraft or Notch are a prime example of this infatuation. It is pointless to argue against these people as they have rejected the facts and replaced them with their own version of reality, and the trouble is that they have won. Minecraft is beyond critique by any major publication because the majority of readers are fans who have been brainwashed by the non-gameplay and cultural tsunami that the game has created. It will inevitably receive Game of the Year- lest the extremely loud voice Minecraft's fanbase speaks out against the publication in retaliation.

I don't care about this. Minecraft is a shitty non-game made by a fat Swede who relies on meme-culture to get ahead. It's not a product worthy of praise and- to top it off- is a rip-off of Infiniminer. It's not even an original bad idea, yet somehow it has universal appeal and is beyond critique.

God. Damn. It. Come on, guys- you're better than this. I used to play Minecraft (in fact I was one of the first to pre-purchase) and I stopped three versions later- when Notch went to Vegas rather than finishing the product I had paid him to finish. It's like I gave him a fiver to buy me a packet of crisps, only to find that he'd spent the money on a holiday instead and not bothered to get me the crisps until far, far later.

Oh, and they weren't even the right flavour.

Toby Ellis