Ten Crap (but fun) Games

There are games we know are rubbish before we even turn them on. We stare at them in their plastic cases and think to ourselves "I can't even trade this in any more." Not out of sentiment, or because shops won't take them.

But because they're utterly worthless.

I have a bunch of these games on my shelf that I would never leave in my living room on display. My friends would (and regularly have) judged me for not disposing of these awful products, and yet nobody can deny that these games, while awful, are hilarious fun. So here- in no particular order- my favourite ten dreadful games which I can't put down! All of them cost about £5 because everyone hates them too, so go nuts.

10: Buck Bumble

Don't let those high ratings on the box fool you: This game is not as good as you remember. It's the kind of game that gets hilariously undeserved ratings via console exclusivity and relatively entertaining multiplayer. The game itself is crap- 99% of the time you don't know where to go and enemies swap level by level between impossibly hard and ludicrously easy. That's not a good game.

9. Earth Defense Force 2017

More insect-slaying fun at number 9 in a game which makes almost no sense. It's about as Japanese as anything has ever been and makes as much sense as one of their crazy cartoons. Bugs are attacking earth. You shoot them with tiny guns. What. It has co-op but no online play and is hilarious while drunk. Hilarious.

8. Sensible Soccer '98

It's football, Jim- but not as we know it. By today's standards it lacks the realism or fidelity to the sport portrayed than any football game in the last decade, but oh man it's the most fun you can have. It's not a game for football fans, but then again if it was I'd probably hate it. It's a party game for party people.

7. Zork

Yeah I know. Zork rocks. It's not crap in any way. Well, it sort of is- there's no clear objective and if your lamp goes out before you discover your goal (which as far as I know after years of endurance remains "???????????") you get eaten by a monster called a grue. It's badassery and has some of the most perplexing and entertaining storytelling around which is why even without graphics or any true 'gameplay' it remains UTLIMATE FUN.

6. Jade Cocoon

PS1 Pokémon with a system by which you can make your own monsters by fusing two old ones together? Badass. Graphics? Awful. Soundtrack? Awful. Story? Awful. Everything about this game is ridiculous, but it's the first game I ever bought in Falmouth (yeeeeears ago) and it'll always have a spot in my heart. Plus the game is pure, unadulterated fun and (unlike Pokémon) you can fight alongside your monsters. I always wondered why my guy in Red didn't kick Weedle in the head.

5. Red Faction: Guerrilla

This game is awful. The plot is mediocre, the setting is monochrome and the characters may as well be cardboard with biro faces drawn on them. That said you get to blow up buildings on Mars. I don't think I really need to type anything more than that, do I?

4. Sonic Unleashed

This game is awesome. 50% awesome at least. The 'fast' levels are about as Sonic the Hedgehog as one can get and are blazing, eye-bleeding speed in a beautiful engine with beautiful music and beautiful locations. The 'werehog' levels? Utter scrotum-skin awful. If I could claim those hours of my life back I would, but we all know that'll never happen. The worst part? You have to endure the werehog levels to get to the good bits. Sometimes two in a row. Damnit.

3. Urban Champion

One of the first true fighting games, Urban Champion forced you to push the other player off the screen using only four attacks mapped over two buttons. The game was slow, repetitive and mindblowing fun in a sort of rock-paper-scissors way. It just got a 3d remake on the 3DS which is pretty cool, but like I said- rock paper scissors. You have a slow attack and a fast attack and each can be done either high or low. That's the whole game.

2. Uniracers

What the hell is Uniracers? If you're asking this question while staring nonplussed at the boxart above then you're truly missing out on a little-known gem of the 16-bit era. Racing around on a 2d plane doing tricks to build speed and competing against your friends on unmanned unicycles? Ridiculous. Foolish. Terrible. But oh God so much entertainment. It was a game you could master in an hour and play for a week, which is the true mark of brilliance in game design- if only the premise hadn't been so utterly retarded there may have been a sequel or two.

1. Shut up.

Minecraft sucks. It really, really sucks. There's no clear goal, you're forced to make things to survive in a boring environment and the game itself actively attempts to destroy your hard work. There's little in the way of reward, and the creator is as lax with his scheduling as his fans are with their undying defense of him.

Minecraft sucks.

So why is it so much fun? Why is it that when I buy an issue of PC gamer the game gets mentioned no fewer than five times in spite of not even being out of Beta yet?

It's fueled by cocaine.

This is the only logical conclusion: There's no "gameplay", no "goals", no actual plot of any kind. You get out of Minecraft what you put into Minecraft, and literally nothing more. If you put nothing into a good game you get something in return- usually a feeling of achievement or a halfway decent story. Minecraft provides none of this. Not only that but it actively works to deny players a sense of satisfaction- creatures destroy your oh-so-elegant structures and constant memory leaks and bugs eat your system alive with no remorse.

So why is it so fun?

Iuno, gonna go punch some more trees with my retarded friends in co-op.

Toby Ellis